Hilarious Funny Quotes

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she will take it anyway.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
You are getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another.
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. 

- John Wilmot
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left. —Oscar Levant
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. 

- Oscar Wilde
I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her. 

- New York City detective
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. 

- Norm Crosby
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. 

- Kurt Vonnegut
Just the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. 

- Carl Sagan
My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists. 

- Jean Rostand
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 

- Lily Tomlin
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. 

- Richard Lewis
We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true. 

- Robert Wilensky
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? 

- Scott Adams
If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us.

- Anon
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it. 

- Clarence Darrow
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.

- Cullen Hightower

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say. 

- Cyril Connolly
There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

- Cavett
All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.

- H. L. Mencken
I don’t mind what Congress does, as long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

- Victor Hugo
I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

- Woody Allen
Asking a bookworm to name their favorite book is like asking a mother to pick a favorite child...
Your Ex asking to be friends after breaking up is like Kidnappers asking to "keep in touch" after letting you go.
I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday you really pissed me off.
Smile, it scares people ..
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world...Ohh sorry that's wine.... wine does that ..
I never make stupid mistakes, only very very clever ones...
Get a tattoo. Don’t worry about regret.
"HAVE PATIENCE" is the favourite world of LAZY PEOPLE
3 people = Threesome, 2 people = Twosome and 1 person = ???? Guess ..!!!! one-some..!! No its hand-some
Going into the unknown is how you expand what is known.
"No price is too high to pay for a good laugh." 

- Fatty Arbuckle

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you are right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

If you can not see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

A recent police study found that you are much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Hilarious Funny Quotes Hilarious Funny Quotes Reviewed by RK on June 16, 2021 Rating: 5

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